REVENGE OF THE NERDS: SELF-EXPOSURE FOR DUMMIES
illustration: Ango The MeekDead
There are two really good reasons to celebrate. The first one is, that you are reading issue number two of HONK! which automatically means that issue number one was a tremendous success. The second occasion is that Revenge Of The Nerds is becoming a constant part of HONK! and in this way my personal tool for mind control and agenda setting. Yet another small step on my own roadmap to world domination.
This is, by the way, one of the main goals in an average self-exposer’s life. Self-exposers or self-publicists are people on a never-ending quest to conquer your attention and make you one of their devoted fans. They mostly create an image for the crowd that presents only their virtues and none of their vice. They are your friends on Facebook, you follow them on Twitter, you read their blogs in your RSS reader. You follow every step in their lives and you love it. In other words, you are doing nothing different than your grandmother who is watching Columbian tele novellas at 3 in the afternoon.
Technologically mediated identities is what social researchers call those web personas, but I’d rather spare you the science jabber. Social media has made it possible for self-exposers to stream their lives 24/7 – from their morning glory to their good-night tweet. Don’t get me wrong, I am myself addicted to social media and I’ve made it my job as well, but I don’t find staging my life and playing a role on my top list of things I want to achieve in life. And yet, if it is on yours, let me guide you through the process of transforming from a desperate attention-seeker to an experienced self-publicist. However, keep in mind I’ve gathered that knowledge only by observing the self-exposers (lat. Attentiones Desperados Vulgaris Irritantis) So applying any of those techniques is exclusively your responsibility.
Bloggers
Start a blog! Give your talents a well designed platform of display. Whether it’s drawing, taking photos of yourself with what you consider funny faces or documenting the growth of your hair, beard, nails and other growing things. Tell people what music you like, what videos you watch, what designers inspire you, where you go, which party you attend, what shirt you wear every day. Don’t forget to document everything with the appropriate amount (over 15) of photographs. Categorize your posts, tag them appropriately with the hippest words in your slang. Make posts with no text – post only one picture of you laying in the grass, you and your fedora, you and a famous person, you, you, you. And don’t forget the most important ingredient for everything – arrogance.
Now it’s time to create a Twitter profile! Choose a short name. Be creative – nobody likes nicknames like @miranda_365. After you have chosen the shortest nick that best describes your colorful and rich personality, it’s time to tell your fans and readers that you are now on Twitter. Here you can post everything that you thought was excessive for your blog – pictures of your breakfast, drunk videos of you at home, at parties; thoughts from the toilet; post coital revelations; express your anger against your boss; boast about your new shoes or gadgets; ask your followers whether to buy a certain T-Shirt or not; post philosophical quotes pretending you just came up with them, etc. Simply post every thought that goes through your beautiful head. Be more arrogant than on your blog. Especially when you criticize politicians without having a clue about politics; breaking up with your boy/girlfriend; expressing your hatred against the color orange or your love for birds on random pieces of clothing.
What used to be MySpace in terms of ego boosting is now called Facebook. It has better design and algorithms for organizing and streaming information. Germans doom it for its privacy issues, but you have nothing to be scared of. People are going to find out just about everything about you if they are really devoted to their search.
Facebook is the Mother Queen of ultimate tools of self-exposure. You need to change your status at least 3 times a day. Some of them can be just one-word expressions of appreciation for a certain food; others song lyrics; or just random thoughts that you couldn’t fit in your Twitter stream. Links you post have to be mostly to music videos or cool stuff you find on other blogs (that you secretly follow but would anytime deny of doing so) Boastful facebooking should become your tool of expression.
Photos, photos, photos! This is the only way to true success as a self-publicist. Here you have to gather all the photos from your blog, all the photos from your Twitter and on top of that you need to make extra photos for Facebook. Change your profile picture every week (or even twice a week if you are ambitious) Photoshop your images if needed. Add mobile pictures – at least 5 every day. Tag yourself in every picture you add. By now you should’ve mastered the art of arrogance and there must be no need of intentionally thinking about it. However, if you need a little push for impersonating arrogance, just put a dirty smirk or raise an eyebrow on every profile picture.
One more thing… Videos! As a respected self-publicist you have a Mac and your iSight camera is your mirror and window to your friends. Dress up properly, have your best clothes on, accessorize. Record the video and add after effects. Lip syncing to a song, a TV show or expressing your humble opinion on the crisis in the Middle East should be your first topics for videos.
Comments, Likes, Shares – the ultimate expression of appreciation. Make sure you comment on your friends’ links, but don’t exaggerate. One comment per week is enough. Let your friends comment on your pictures and profile escapades. Having 15 people comment on your status and 32 like your new profile picture feels good, doesn’t it? And let me remind you, this is just the beginning.
Unlike a mirror, which reminds us of who we really are and may have a negative effect on self-esteem if that image does match with our ideal, Facebook can show a positive version of ourselves. This will make your brain produce more and more endorphins (the hormone of happiness) which will make you feel ecstatic. So Facebook is not only good for your ego, but also for your health! Just like those funny smelling pickles in the Asia shop say on the label.
So now you have mastered the art of self exposure and your desperate seeking of attention should be wearing off with every day that has past. Remember, if you want to achieve optimal results, you have to make this your everyday routine, your life. That way, when someone comments with “get a life!” on your beach photos or party pics, you will know, that you actually have one and that you are living the fairy tale. Right there, online.
Christo Mitov
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