It wasn’t until I met Martin that I heard the expression “serial monogamy” I’m usually the last to jump on the “cool relationship phrases people use” bandwagon. That’s valid also for all alternative words and abbreviations used to describe obscure sexual practices like bondage, horse markets or sounding. However this shouldn’t be brought in direct correlation to my sexual experience. Having said that, let me go back to the serial monogamy.
Martin claimed that he’s never been single in his life. First was this 8 year relationship, then this 3-year one and then the current one which goes more than 10 years now. He’s used to security, being the half of a whole and having a subscription to intimacy. Martin and I met in the gym – after shamelessly flirting and feeling like I am an extra in an Eric Prydz video, I nervously gave him my number after he came to introduce himself. We’ve met three times and had sex twice since. He’s over 40, hairy and flexible – makes great conversation, remembers things I tell him and is a great kisser. “A catch” – I would think if it wasn’t for his boyfriend, whom he’s reminding me of after sex or during dinner. It’s apparently something weird for him as well – being in bed with me, receiving calls from his hubby in the same time – however he’s open about it and makes it clear he’s just having fun with me to cure his relationship frustration.
I usually go for emotionally unavailable guys – I’m codependant in this way. I guess that makes me the emotionally unavailable one too. And yet I long for intimacy as well a relationship flat rate. But not one like they have them for mobile Internet. So far all the guys I’ve met were more like a 1 GB package – after reaching the limit I either get bored or they stop calling. In both cases, it’s an unsatisfactory situation. Nonetheless I seem to be bringing it on myself. And going to the next emotionally retarded person is obviously not the solution.
No guy who lives outside of Berlin or Germany or who is in a relationship or recovering from one, would be what they call “boyfriend material” Just reviewed some old conversation with Benedikt – a very cute lost boy from Austria who visited me in June 2011 and never called back afterwards – this seems to be a reoccurring pattern since even before then – my first love – if you can call it that – was a ginger guy from Western Germany – who obviously came to Berlin for some sex tourism and nothing more. Then there were the couple of guys, who just moved to Berlin and want to explore the city. And the others that are in a relationship, but haven’t had sex since 6 months. So how do I break the pattern? Is it like a bad eating habit you have to break, but it’s so hard because it’s so crunchy and tasty you don’t wanna stop. I guess the world has more pressing problems right now than thinking how to introduce relationship bootcamps for homos who can’t put their shit together.
Even mainstream gay media doesn’t offer quizzes titled “Am I a slut? Or 10 steps to combat serial polygamy” because they’re too busy reporting on the marriage equality hearings.
So I decided to test celibacy. Will delete all apps and deactivate all accounts and see where that gets me – closer to finishing my education or closer to insanity.
Will report back.